


if we could say goodbye...

by MandoGab



Category: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Concord Dawn, F/M, Family Loss, Father-Daughter Relationship, Ghost Crew - Freeform, Krownest, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28436478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandoGab/pseuds/MandoGab
Summary: If we knew we would never meet again (or it would take years to be separated), what would we say?What would our last conversation look like?In other words: how rarely do I say thatI love you, thatyou are importantto me, thatI forgive you?
Relationships: Alrich Wren & Sabine Wren, Alrich Wren & Ursa Wren, Fenn Rau & Protectors, Sabine Wren & Ursa Wren
Comments: 18
Kudos: 17





	1. Alrich & Sabine

_If we could say goodbye_ , I'd say I'm sorry.  
For standing idly by when Imperial troops grabbed your arms as you wanted to barricade yourself in your room again. Your cry is still alive in my ears. Your sobs still run down my gut as I think about it. I close my eyes and see my little girl being handcuffed when she fights too hard. And I am... in the midst of all this, a father who knows there is nothing he can do to save his daughter.

*****

A scream scared the birds hidden in the trees, which suddenly flew up. Sabine squeezed her eyes shut tightly, trying to hold back the tears from under her lids. Her body shook once again as she tried to free herself again. One of the soldiers, however, tightened his grip on her shoulder, preventing the fifth attempt.

"It's an honor Countess Wren," Gar Saxon said, completely ignoring the wayward eight-year-old who was almost squirming in the embrace of his guards. The man's smile made Ursa's stomach clench instantly, but she nodded, hiding her emotions. Likewise Alrich. He was standing like a rock, although he was fighting a real fight inside. His hands trembled, as did his mouth, though he tried to hide it by pressing it tightly together. "Your clan will benefit from this alliance and your daughter will be trained accordingly."

"Thank you, Governor."

Alrich wondered how the words passed through her mouth, but he wasn't going to spend too much time on it. Sabine met his gaze and shivered with the cold. Or because of sadness. Or out of fear. Or…

"Governor?" Alrich risked, drawing the attention of Saxon and Ursa. Her lips twitched slightly as if to say something.

"Yes, Count Wren?"

"Could I," he began, then cleared his throat at his soft, uncertain voice. "Could I say goodbye to her?"

"Of course," the man replied. Alrich could not read his thoughts from the tone of his voice, nor from his facial expressions, so he only breathed a breath and walked slowly towards his daughter. She stopped struggling and the soldiers stepped aside at the governor's request. They also got the handcuffs off her wrists.

Sabine stood motionless, only tears streaming down her cheeks. Alrich crouched down in front of her, giving her a gentle smile. He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards her, only to feel her forehead fall against his, her dark hair tickling his temples.

"You'll be fine, wildflower," he whispered, then lifted his head so he could kiss her gently on the forehead. "I promise."

"I don't want to go to Mandalore, I want to stay with you," she sobbed.

"I know," he whispered, wiping the tears from her eyes. "We'll meet soon."

He lied to her.  
Why had the lie so easily passed through his mouth?

"I have something for you," he said softly, trying to suppress his remorse. He opened one of the clenched hands, revealing a small box of small crayons. In his other hand he was holding a tiny notebook with real paper pages. Sabine smiled and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks. She accepted the gift, pressing it firmly against the armor on her chest.

"Make beautiful things, little one," he whispered, then kissed her one last time and stood up.

_Be brave_ , he thought, but he didn't say the words aloud as if it were obvious in their world.

He watched the shuttle slowly rise up, then fade out of sight after a moment. Ursa turned and walked away. Alrich stayed a moment longer, letting the chill wind blow the tears down his cheeks… the same tears he had kept from his daughter for so long, though his heart was breaking in his chest.

"Create a beautiful life," he whispered.

The crayons scattered on the deck as Gar Saxon snatched the box from the girl's hand. He laughed and brazenly trampled it with his heavy shoe, watching the eight-year-old's lips tremble.

"You will create beautiful things without this. I believe that deeply, Sabine Wren."

_Get me out of here, daddy_


	2. Fenn & Protectors

If we could say goodbye, I'd say you were my family.  
For Mandalorians, family always comes first.

_Aliit_ \- family, clan

I knew you all. I knew your partners, your wives and your children. Some of you I fought during the Clone Wars, others I trained after the fall of the Republic, when we were forced to put our lives at the mercy of the Empire. I was hoping that we were doing everything right, that as before, they made us exemplary, faithful Mandalorians ... Was I wrong? I would like to apologize to you - I was not there when the precise arrows pierced your bodies. I would like to apologize to your families, even though I know that I would never be able to tell them about your death to their eyes.

_Vode an, ka'rta Tor._  
_Kote._

*****

"Fenn!" One of the Protectors shouted, pushing him hard. The man fell to the ground as he saw a shot fired nearby. He looked at the scorched earth next to his side. He tucked his legs under him, hiding in the dark. He squeezed his eyes shut and put his hands over his ears, not wanting to experience everything that was happening around him.

Long after the Mandalorian traitors had withdrawn from the camp after executing innocent soldiers, the smoke continued to rise. Fenn hesitantly leaned out of his hiding place.  
It was dawn as he got up and examined his body. He felt pain, piercing pain through all his bones and muscles. His hands were trembling and sweat (or blood, he wasn't sure) was running down his back. The armor was covered with dried blood, as was his flight suit… and he wasn't sure if he was actually still alive. One of the wounds was deep and he sank his fingers into it for a moment, causing fresh blood to flow out, and unimaginable pain piercing his whole body. He stifled a scream inside himself and took a step forward.

A graveyard of bodies.  
Streams of blood.  
A wind of regret.

Fenn in the middle of it all. Survivor? Lucky? Mandalorians in their language would call him cuyan, hence 'the one who survived'. 

"_Alor?_"  
The voice was low, raspy, uttered as if it was on its last breath. Fenn looked down to see a soldier staring at his body. He tried to remember the name, but all the memories, thoughts, words... escaped from his head. He fell to the ground beside the man, feeling a dull pain. 

"_Haatyc or'arue jate'shya ori'sol aru'ike nuhaatyc,_" the dying Protector snorted. Fenn brought his forehead close to the man's, placing a hand on the back of his neck, then gently touched it. He could smell blood and death. Death smelled foul.

"_Elek,_" Fenn whispered, feeling tears welling up in his eyes.

"_Vor'e tat,_" the warrior whispered back and life leaving his body.

Fenn groaned, straightening up. The sobs had no right to pass through his throat, but a scream came from within and sounded like the roar of a wild animal.  
He wanted to die there. Lie down in the dust, close your eyes, fall asleep and never wake up again. But it wasn't the Mandalorian way. He needed allies, friends... Who? The Empire paid for his allegiance, and yet the Imperial troops dealt with the elite Protectors of Mandalore in moments. Who could listen to him?  
He lay down on the ground, inhaling the heavy odor of blood. The wind dried his tears. He gathered up all his strength for the last time and activated his wrist communicator, searching for the right frequency.

Crackling noises. And crackling sounds again.

"_I need your help,_" he whispered, his eyelids drooping a moment later.

"_Fenn?_" a voice said with a hint of surprise, but it was too late.

"Aliit."

*****

"Aliit? What does aliit mean?" Ezra asked, looking at the prisoner with some kind of curiosity. Fenn wasn't quite sure if the question was directed at him or if it had been released involuntarily. "You kept repeating the word in a fever. Everyone thought you were dying," the boy explained when he didn't get an answer.  
Fenn noticed that he had left the cold cell and was now in what they called the medical bay.

"Family. _Aliit_ means family," he answered quietly, then chased away the tears that filled his eyes. Why did these nightmares keep coming back?

"Let him rest, Ezra," Hera said, appearing in the doorway. The boy nodded, then left, and the woman followed him.

Fenn was alone.  
Among the beeping machines.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Every night, when he closed his eyes, he and his friends died in the camp. Sometimes he fell to his knees, unable to get up / sometimes he choked on dust / sometimes (like that night) he tried to contact someone he knew... but it was always too late.

He couldn't turn back time, fix what he managed to destroy, say what he wanted to say. He couldn't say goodbye to his family.  
He realized that he had never told anyone about this tragedy, even though several weeks had passed. He did not contact the wives or children of his friends. They knew from the Empire. He had no idea what they were feeling: disappointment, anger, hatred… They must have felt the loss in a way quite different from him, but just as painful and terrifying.

Fenn turned on the communicator. He found the right one frequency.  
He heard crackles, noises and more crackles.

He closed his eyes as if he wanted only _her voice_.

The nightmares only had one bright moment - the sound of her voice.

A voice that always comes too late...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **aliit** – clan, family  
>  **Vode an, ka'rta Tor.** / **Kote.** – Brothers all, one heart of justice. / Glory. (the last lines of a Mandalorian song [ _Ka'rta Tor_ ])  
>  **alor** – leader  
>  **Haatyc or'arue jate'shya ori'sol aru'ike nuhaatyc** – Better one big enemy that you can see than many small ones that you can't (Mandalorian proverb)  
>  **elek** – yes  
>  **Vor’e tat** – Thanks, brother [tat – brother, in Concord Dawn dialect]


	3. Ursa & Sabine [1]

**13 BBY**

_If we could say goodbye_ , I'd say I'm the worst mother.

What mother allowed her child to be taken away?  
What mother would be indifferent to this?  
What mother would leave her little daughter alone?

I'd like to apologize to you, Sabine. First of all, because I was never a good mother. I never let you feel it, though I tried my best. My love hidden in short glances, small words, unspoken thoughts. Still too distant...  
I watched helplessly as Imperial troops led you out of our house, though so much anger boiled inside me. I was alone with it all. It was only you and I ... I could only save you and destroy only myself. I did nothing.

Too scared.

And too haughty.

*****

Gar Saxon was not mincing when he arrived at Krownest early in the morning. His visit was unexpected, moreover, half of the Wren clan was outside the planet, which appeared to be carefully coined by the current ruler of Mandalore.

Ursa sat on her throne in the main hall of her stronghold, awaiting the arrival of Saxon and his faithful men. A few days ago she had received an offer from him, and she had a feeling that the time had finally come for her to make a decision - as Gar himself put it - the best one for her clan.

"Countess Wren, I hope you've made up your mind," he began without further ado, suddenly appearing in front of her. She nodded. Her upright figure gave her confidence and made everyone around her consider her a tough, strong woman. Inside, however, her whole body trembled. Saxon's enduring gaze, to whom the whole situation seemed comical. A sneaky smirk adorned his lips, she couldn't help but notice it.

"I want my daughter to be admitted to the Mandalore Academy," she said loudly, and her faithful warriors did not even move, though the news came as a little surprise to them. For the past few days, some of them had heard Wren's marriage quarrel as soon as one of the spouses raised the subject. Until the end, the decision was not obvious to them.

"Fine. Bring her," he told his people.

"Governor, let me bring her," she said, trying to sound firm. He nodded as he watched her slowly stand up and out of the throne room.

It was all shaking inside, and everything outside was hard steel. The armor of beskar has become lighter than usual today. Guilt pressed her to the ground.  
Her footsteps filled the silence of empty corridors along which she walked for only a moment. She wanted to drag the time as long as possible or keep it in place forever.

"Sabine," Ursa said softly, appearing in the girl's room. The eight-year-old was sitting on her small bed, playing with her six-year-old brother. Tristan looked up at the woman, then nudged her sister gently while she still didn't take her eyes off the toys.

She asked, looking at her mother innocently.

"Are you already packed?"

"Yes, Mother," she replied.

"Can I go with Sabine?" Tristan asked pleadingly at his mother. Ursa did her best to hold back the tears.

"I wish you would go to your room, Tristan," the woman said, trying to make her voice sound natural. The boy, however, did not move. His gaze went to Sabine.

"It'll be better this way," she confirmed. He muttered something under his breath, but left her room a moment later, leaving them alone.

"Dad's not back yet?" Sabine asked quietly, getting out of bed. She took her bag and slung it over her shoulder, completely resigned.

"Not yet," Ursa said.

Sabine added nothing. She only walked past her mother, heading for the exit.

"Sabine!"

The girl stopped and turned slowly, ashamed of the tears that suddenly appeared on her cheeks. She wiped them as quickly as she could without her mother noticing them. True warriors don't cry. True warriors never cry (even when torn from their parents' arms, perhaps forever).

Ursa walked over to her and crouched down so that their eyes were about the same height.

"You know I don't want to do this. This is the only way to distract the Empire from our home for a moment," she began. Why were her words always so formal, so dry and not properly chosen?

"I know, I understand, I just..."

Children were entitled to tears and to cry.  
Ursa felt that she had a right to cry that day, although she was an adult and a fighter and clan leader, and so important to others. Nevertheless, she rejected the law belonging to every living being. She remained tough, although her heart softened a lot.

She stretched out her hand and wiped the little tears running down Sabine's cheeks, smiling gently.

"Everything will be fine, little one," she whispered.

Sabine nodded. Amber stares filled with such different emotions crossed.

Ursa was the best mother for a while.

She kissed her daughter's forehead as if sealing her promise.

Then she straightened up and resumed her old expression. She was the Countess of Clan Wren again, doing nothing but her duties. Together with Sabine, she moved towards the throne room to watch Gar Saxon take her daughter a few moments later.

She was standing against the glass wall long after the ship had left for Mandalore. The world around her was extremely fragile, ready to break at any moment, like glass.

*****

"Ursa?" He asked hesitantly, walking slowly towards her. She was sitting on their shared bed, leaning against the headboard, her knees drawn up to her chest. She stared straight ahead, most likely at her reflection in the mirror opposite.

"What have I done," she whispered through her clenched throat. Alrich sighed softly as he sat down next to her. He allowed her to rest her head on his shoulder. He kissed her gently against her hair, then twisted his fingers into it, knowing how the gesture calmed her.

"You had no choice, Ursa," he whispered, although he knew these words would not help her, would not suddenly build hope, and make the woman feel better. They will only fill a few seconds of silence.

She looked up, wanting to meet his eyes. There were circles under them, as if he had not slept for several days or cried for several minutes. The tears appeared on her cheeks a moment later when she could no longer hold them back.

"I could do something, anything. I wanted to shoot Saxon," she confessed quietly. Alrich gave her a sad smile. He put his arm around her, pulling her close.

"I know," he said honestly. And while he was against violence, yes, she wasn't surprised at all. Sabine was the apple of his eye, losing her, losing part of himself. Neither Ursa nor Tristan could fill this void.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, closing her eyes as she felt secure in his arms. He sat down so that she could lean on his torso and sleep peacefully. He intended to stay with her, be with her when she needed him, as he had promised her a few years ago. "I'm so sorry, cyare."

He kissed her gently.

"Alrich," she whispered, closing her eyes. He covered them with the blanket and wrapped his arms around her trembling body again, tightly protecting her from the world, knowing that he could not keep her from the guilt she still felt and would remain in her heart for a long time. "Be here when I wake up."

"I will, cyar'ika. I'll always be with you," he replied, kissing her softly, making her feel filled with hope for a split second.


	4. Ursa & Sabine [2]

_If we could say goodbye_ , I wouldn't scream.

When you came home five years later, all I could do was scream. I couldn't believe you dared to flee the Academy and put our whole family in danger (jeopardize my reputation). I was wondering how you could be so stupid, unreasonable, selfish… (when I was immaculately perfect). It was all a lie and a mask, but I found out too late.

*******

"Mother, I am begging you, at least hear me out!" Sabine shouted, not trying to fight the sob and the tears running down her cheeks. Ursa didn't even flinch. She narrowed her eyes at her daughter, gripping her fingers tightly on the back of her throne.

"Mom," said Tristan softly, standing next to him, straight as a string, terrified.

"Silence!" Ursa snapped, then stood up abruptly, then covered the distance between her and Sabine in a brisk pace. She gripped her daughter tightly by the arm, causing the tears to fall back once more.

"Get out of here," she ordered.

"Mother, I beg you. I'll explain everything to you! I didn't want to do that! They made me do it," Sabine cried, looking pleadingly at the woman. "I did not want do this!"

"Nobody forced you to do this, Sabine. Nobody told you to build this stuff! It's you! You wanted to get back at us, you wanted to show how intelligent and clever you are."

"Mother I-"

"Stop crying, Sabine! Just walk away. Get out of my house," Ursa growled, finally letting go of her.  
The thirteen-year-old just stood there for a moment, holding back tears with all her might.

*******

I wanted to hug you, Sabine. Lock you in my arms and hug you until the last tears dry on your cheeks. I needed to feel your warmth again, hear you laugh, comment on the color choices on your armor. I wanted a daughter again.

I couldn't leave you with me.  
I couldn't put you at risk. Even if you thought you outsmarted the Empire, they outsmarted you.  
They knew where you would be.  
They knew they would find you on Krownest.  
They knew I loved you.

That's why I screamed.  
That's why I kicked you out of the house.

I loved you, Sabine. I still love you and I will always love you. You have always been and will always be my daughter.

Remember that.

*******

Ursa fell on the bed, feeling an icy shiver run down her spine, and all the emotions that she hid deep in her heart so far take over her. She pulled the helmet off with trembling hands and placed it on her lap for a moment to look at the visor. Black empty space… no depth and no escape, like infinite suffering.

She screamed loudly, then threw the helmet to the floor, causing the visor to crack slightly. The Force appeared out of nowhere, quite unexpectedly, just as unexpectedly disappeared. Ursa felt tears suddenly flooding her eyes. She couldn't hold them any longer. It ran down her cheeks violently - tears of anger, pain, fear, loss, suffering, hopelessness, helplessness...

"I'm sorry I didn't save you," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

She wanted to sail away to another world, she wanted to be on an ideal planet where they could simply live, away from war, from divisions, systems and truces. Away from the mess she was slowly losing control of.

"I'm so sorry, ad'ika," she added, choking on a sob.

She lost her daughter and husband.

They flew for Alrich shortly after Sabine escaped from the Academy. They needed to be sure Clan Wren would remain faithful to the new rule, and that was probably the only way to force them to do so.

She lost hope.

She untied her tightly tied hair, letting the dark strands flow down her shoulders. Another burden she had to carry - although much nicer, recalling memories. She tangled her fingers in her hair, imagining that the hand belongs to her husband, and he again tries to calm her scarred nerves, once again helping her forget for a moment.

She got up slowly and walked to the door that led to the balcony. She let the chill air dry the tears on her cheeks. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, she looked up at the sky, but the clouds obscured the stars.

It felt as if everything suddenly went out.  
It was dark.

*******

I missed you every day, little one.  
And that was still not enough.

*******

"Did Sabine do something wrong?" Tristan asked quietly when Ursa entered his room one evening after his sister's escape. The boy was already in bed, reading something else on the datapad. The woman didn't answer right away. She tried to keep her expression neutral, not to reveal the emotions with which she was soaked.

Years of fighting have taught her to suppress her feelings, to release them only in the innermost moments and places. Alrich experienced her love the most, and so did her children, but she tried to raise them to be tough warriors, which meant that she put aside numerous praises, not avoiding critical words.

"That's... that's a difficult question, Tristan," she answered truthfully.

"Can she come home?"

"No, Tristan."

"So she did something wrong. This weapon she built. The Empire writes a lot about her. She called her "Duchess", after Duchess Satine Kryze," the boy said, handing the datapad to his mother so she could see with her own eyes everything he could find. Ursa did not want to read, however. She quickly turned the device off, but did not hand it over to her son.

"Don't ever talk about it again."

"But-"

"Don't talk about this weapon."

"But she destroyed it, she told me before she left. You could hear her!" He almost shouted, sitting up abruptly. Ursa turned to a stone face again. "Sabine can come home, mom!"

"Sabine's gone. And she will never come home again. Deal with it."

Ursa could not reconcile herself, but giving orders was always easy for her.

"Don't talk about her, Tristan. Don't mention her. She won't come back."

Tristan nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. He wiped them quickly, hiding his weakness from his mother. She didn't wish him good night, she just left and he laid his head back on the pillow. He closed his eyes, but couldn't shake the image of his sister out of his mind.  
He wanted her back so badly. If only he could keep her...

*****

"I'm sorry, cyare," Ursa whispered, falling asleep in the empty, cold bed. Her hand automatically rested on her husband's pillow, pulling her against him, trying to smell his scent. She closed her eyes, bringing back memories of the happy moments. She fell asleep a moment later, with a smile on her face.

The nightmares came shortly afterwards.


End file.
